The holidays are marketed as a joyous time that everyone is looking forward to filled with magic and wonder. But the truth is, the holidays can be a very difficult time for many people. There are many reasons that people struggle with the holidays.
For me, I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and the holidays can leave me feeling overwhelmed. The hassle of travel, the intense planning needed to host an event, the many demands to get everything bought, cooked, and completed leaves me feeling drained. There are many emotions and people to interact with and manage during this time. Our family visits multiple family members at a time and the time management and coordination of this is exhausting.
I have also dealt with holiday grief. The years after my parents’ deaths were very challenging during the holidays as I struggled with the grief that was so intensified during the holidays. At the same time, my two kids were younger and were very excited about the holidays. I had to balance my own feelings of grief with my desire to make it a special time for my kids.
I also want to recognize that there are many people feeling lonely during the holidays. Grief during the holidays doesn’t just show up because of a death. It may be due to a break up or estrangement with a loved one. The holidays also cause stress due to the amount of money that is spent as expectations about presents and food puts a strain on an already tight budget.
Whatever the reason you felt drawn to this post, please know that you are not alone. If you are dreading the holidays as they approach or are simply groaning inside thinking about them, I want to offer some concrete ways to manage this time. Because no matter what holiday or holidays you celebrate during this season, we cannot stop their arrival. What we can do is change our approach and relationship to the holidays.
Tips for Managing Feelings
The first step I would take is to compassionately validate your own feelings. This means that you realize that it is okay to be feeling whatever you are feeling at this time and to let whatever feelings you are feeling come. Let go of trying to make yourself feel a certain way such as happy or joyful. Instead, acknowledge how you are feeling and realize that all feelings come and all feelings go. Let go of the judgement about your feelings and the “shoulds” and then be curious about what happens next. For me, I am typically very focused on others and concerned about if they are having fun or if I am meeting their expectations. It’s very normal to be annoyed by the behavior of others at this time. Realize that it’s important to be kind during this time as people often hide many of their struggles. It’s especially important to be kind to ourselves and realize that the only person’s behavior we are responsible for and can change is our own.
Tips for Managing Grief
During the holidays when I had recent losses and they were hitting me hard, I turned to this resource from grief expert, David Kessler that I would recommend.
Realize that things will trigger you when you least expect it. During my first Christmas without my Dad, “Blue Christmas” suddenly was being played where I was spending Christmas and I needed to ask that the song be skipped. Ask for what you need. People may not be aware of what your needs are. Your needs are valid and important, so make them known. It may mean you have to skip an event you would normally go to. If you do attend an event, you may need to leave early. You do not need to explain these decisions to anyone or apologize. I was not able to leave an event early in my holiday arrangements when I was grieving, so I took some time in the bathroom and cried. I have also taken a walk by myself in some nature–which given how cold it is in Upstate New York it required some significant bundling up! You may want to be around other people and you may not want to. You also may change your mind on the day and that is okay too. Do what feels right for you.
Tips for Managing Overwhelm
I think at one point or another we all feel overwhelmed during the holiday season. Here are some ways that I try to reduce my feelings of overwhelm.
Before the holidays
- Plan ahead–I start tasks such as ordering supplies weeks in advance. Start buying what you can ahead of time or discussing the holiday with family and friends so that things go smoothly. Book necessary flights and hotels as far ahead of time as possible.
- Ask for help–This is a hard one, I know. I can’t say that I’m always good at it. If there are other people in your family you can delegate tasks to, then ask other people to take tasks off your plate. You can also get help by buying something you might have made from scratch or finding other less time consuming way to do the task.
- Consider eliminating tasks–This is another one that is easier said than done and you don’t have to get rid of it forever. The year my Dad died I did not send out Christmas cards, but I resumed sending them the following year. Talk to your family and get an inventory of what’s really important to everyone. But most importantly, ask yourself what’s important to you. Cut activities that you are doing out of obligation or because you think you “should” be doing them.
- Automate tasks–Find ways to automate tasks. When I send Christmas cards, I have labels with people’s addresses and return address labels on cards with a pre-typed message on the card so I’m just putting a card in an envelope and putting labels and stamps on them.
- Make extra time for self-care–While this may seem impossible with more tasks to do, it’s even more important to take time for yourself. Your friends and family will enjoy the time with the version of yourself that has filled your own cup.
During the holiday
- Be flexible–Things will come up that are unexpected and the best laid plans will be challenged. Be ready to pivot and change plans in the moment.
- Do your best–At the end of the day, all we can do is our best, no more and no less. Be kind to yourself and others and realize that we are all just doing our best.
- Be present–This moment is the only real moment, so try to stay present and aware in the moment.
After the holiday
- After the holiday, I spend time with my family discussing what went well, what we would like to continue doing and if anything should be changed for the future.
Additional suggestions:
Consider Making a New Tradition
The intense commercialization of the holidays always makes me feel like the reasons for the holidays are lost. While it makes things a little busy, our family started doing a quiet, simple celebration of the Winter Solstice. Connecting more to the natural rhythms and seasons all around us helps ground me. Some of the traditions of my family of origin I keep to honor them, but some of them it feels right to change because my parents are no longer in human form to celebrate them with us, so it feels right to me to do some things different.
Do it When it Feels Right
If there is something that I really wanted to do for the holiday and did not get to it, I save it for another time. In the US, we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s all right after one another. While this makes the time very busy, it also gives lots of opportunities for different traditions. I enjoy making Kapusta, a Polish dish that my Mom always made on Christmas Eve. However our travel schedule just doesn’t allow time for me to make this at Christmas like she did, so I make it at New Year’s which we celebrate with just my immediate family and I have more time and quiet.
Final Thoughts
No matter what is causing the holidays to be a struggle for you, please know you are in my thoughts. Be kind and gentle with yourself during this time. Do what is right for you and take care of yourself. I wish you peace.
References:
Kessler, D. (n.d.). Grief and the holidays. https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/
